I stepped away from this blog some time ago. I suppose stress was a large factor in the decision. In a 45 day span last year I lost both of my grandfathers, and my dog. I have a difficult time expressing both to others and myself how things make me feel. Perhaps I haven’t had enough practice, but on the other hand perhaps I’ve had too much. I hold things deep down in side and don’t let them into the light. I chat with god about deeply held emotions but I’m not sure what those emotions should make me feel like.
I’m worried a bit because throughout all the turmoil I didn’t shed a tear and I was just numb. When my second grandfather passed away, I thought I would feel something, but nothing. I walked into the hospital rooms where my grandma aunts and uncles had gathered by his bedside and saw the body of my grandfather. They were openly upset, crying, and I was silent. Shouldn’t I feel something, shouldn’t I feel compelled to react in a certain way?
I still can’t believe he’s gone, he was so young and so full of life up until the last couple of days. He died of Cancer, a terrible disease. My grandma is well, but I worry often about her. I live a thousand miles away so it’s never easy to make the trip, yet I still managed a week with her before Christmas.
I started 2009 in a place I didn’t like with people I didn’t care for. Slowly I’ve started to get connected in a place I’ve lived nearly half my life, slowly I’ve settled..
My weight as of last week was about 380, up a bit from when I started the “unofficial life change” but decent considering all thats gone on. After hearing a great sermon by pastor Mark Driscoll a few days ago I’m convinced that my tendency towards eating the wrong things and too much of those wrong things is an issue of the heart. I’m going to try and address that this month. I’ll keep updating this blog, although I’m not sure that anyone actually reads it.
Happy 2010!
-BG
