It’s been a crash a burn sort of week. It started out on a high note, but it sort of fizzled out. I did so well, but some conflicts with my car, or lack there of kept me from the gym. Will power subsided and I gave it to a major craving and ate some things I shouldn’t have. But it’s late, and I’m a bit less than motivated to continue this post..
Goodnight.
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New Year, New Life, New Goals, New Ambition….
I started this year off with a bang, a new challenge for myself that I hoped would keep me motivated. I decided that I don’t like the me I see in the mirror. That I’m going to change myself for the better this year by taking progressive action and making change happen.
I joined a gym this past week, a step I’ve been avoiding for sometime. I let my thoughts get the best of me and I was over whelmed with the thought that people would be staring at me as I worked out. I prayed that god would open my eyes, calm my nerves, and help me through the situation.
The very next day I walked into the gym, signed up for membership and started getting healthy with a personal trainer. I honestly can’t afford not to have the personal trainer, but I’m going to need to trust god, and do without as finances don’t presently leave room for that.
I started a new faith journey this year as well. I’m going to attempt to read the bible cover to cover and hopefully form some type of closer bond with god. I don’t feel like a Christian at most junctures in my life. When it get’s hard I look for comfort in food or other substances that must be ingested. It’s unhealthy both physically and spiritually.
I read a bit out of Genesis and Matthew. Although I didn’t completely understand what was said, it had something to do with the sabbath and how good works are aloud on it. Jesus used the analogy of a lamb having fallen down a hole, and how the shepherd would not wait until the following day to rescue it. He points out that “are humans not more valued than animals.”
So apparently Jacob goes by Israel now, not sure why the conversion, but hoping to pick up on it later in my reading.
I feel like I’m in a dream, or seeing myself in the 3rd person writing this, it’s strange…We’ll see what tomorrow holds..
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I stepped away from this blog some time ago. I suppose stress was a large factor in the decision. In a 45 day span last year I lost both of my grandfathers, and my dog. I have a difficult time expressing both to others and myself how things make me feel. Perhaps I haven’t had enough practice, but on the other hand perhaps I’ve had too much. I hold things deep down in side and don’t let them into the light. I chat with god about deeply held emotions but I’m not sure what those emotions should make me feel like.
I’m worried a bit because throughout all the turmoil I didn’t shed a tear and I was just numb. When my second grandfather passed away, I thought I would feel something, but nothing. I walked into the hospital rooms where my grandma aunts and uncles had gathered by his bedside and saw the body of my grandfather. They were openly upset, crying, and I was silent. Shouldn’t I feel something, shouldn’t I feel compelled to react in a certain way?
I still can’t believe he’s gone, he was so young and so full of life up until the last couple of days. He died of Cancer, a terrible disease. My grandma is well, but I worry often about her. I live a thousand miles away so it’s never easy to make the trip, yet I still managed a week with her before Christmas.
I started 2009 in a place I didn’t like with people I didn’t care for. Slowly I’ve started to get connected in a place I’ve lived nearly half my life, slowly I’ve settled..
My weight as of last week was about 380, up a bit from when I started the “unofficial life change” but decent considering all thats gone on. After hearing a great sermon by pastor Mark Driscoll a few days ago I’m convinced that my tendency towards eating the wrong things and too much of those wrong things is an issue of the heart. I’m going to try and address that this month. I’ll keep updating this blog, although I’m not sure that anyone actually reads it.
Happy 2010!
-BG
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It seems that a dream isn’t a dream without first setting goals. I failed to define in detail my goals when I started the blog. This has led me off the weight-loss track in the first couple of weeks. I thought about it this week and have set 3 simple goals:
It seems incredibly simple to write down these three goals. In reality it took me a few weeks to really understand the situation I’ve put myself in, and what my goals were. I look at myself every morning and am sickened by who I’ve become. I dread going out anymore because I hate the stares, the creaking chairs at restaurants, and the overall feeling of failure. I need a better self image, and I’m committed to making the changed, starting fresh, and becoming the person god made me.
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I took a trip recently that reminded me just how important it is to keep my mind active and engaged. New and unfamiliar places intrigue me much like meeting new people, or learning a new skill. When I’m focused on seeing new sights and meeting new people I’m less likely to engage in the binge eating activities that have led me to the way I am today.
A year ago I picked up some web design software called dream weaver and tried learning it on my own. It was quite difficult and I lost interest in the first few days. Problem with dropping something after a few days is that I’m pretty hard headed, if something doesn’t work I’m right back at it a few days or months later. In the spirit of learning I stumbled upon a website called lynda.com that offers video training programs for various software titles. I signed up and have been spending a few hours a week learning this software. Although I’m no Picasso learning to do this is a lot of fun, and keeps me engaged in something other than comfort food.
Given learning new software has kept my mind away from food I decided to join a gym. If perhaps I can spend 3 hrs a week away from home (we’ve got a home gym) that’s three extra hours I know my mind will be focused on something that is healthy. Perhaps I’ll develop a compulsive disorder for workouts verses food.
Somewhat of a scatterbrain post I’m sure. I’ve been trying to stay away from all things sugar and my mind is all over the place. Please bear with me.
-BG
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I just returned from a trip to Canada to visit my grandfather. We were called up to visit him by my grandmother and their nurses who thought he was close to the end. We spent Sunday night and part of Monday by his bedside, and then Monday evening he went to be with god. I spent the week assisting the family in making funeral arrangements. I got home late last night around Midnight.
This morning I woke up and found out that my other grandfather is also in his last days. He was diagnosed with terminal liver cancer about 10 months ago, and went off the medication that slowed the illnesses progress about a week ago. We’re told he’s got maybe a couple of days to live. We’ll be heading back up to Canada later today or tomorrow to spend some time with him.
This will mark the third death of family member or close friend in a month. Once again I reiterate that diets are never convenient. Life will always be difficult. There will always be struggles, but life must continue, I must try even hard to make this successful.
I didn’t make much of an effort to eat healthy last week. I’ll try harder this week. God is faithful. I’m going to try to make a plan, I know I’ll be staying in a hotel for at least a week, so I’ll try to plan healthy meals even while eating out. I’d appreciate any tips on eating healthy while traveling anyone can provide.
-BG
Weight today: 377
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I’ve been traveling extensively these past couple of days. I needed a break from the drab Mid Western Scenery, and since the best years of my life thus far were spent in Western Canada, I decided it would be a nice place to take a breather. I’m happy to report that I’m home and back to the happy go lucky person I usually am. I was able to stay on a relatively healthy diet. I had a lot of time to think, pray, and plan. Three very important parts of my life.
I noticed that when I’m out of my element and in a place I enjoy with people I love I can avoid making eating decisions that have made me so unhealthy. I know I’ll be tempted now that I’m home again, but will make a solid effort to make this thing work. I believe I lost about 5lbs last week, but I’m going to wait until morning to get an exact reading.
On a side note, I hate seeing myself in pictures, I don’t recognize me at all. I can’t believe I am the way I am. If I’m going to make this better I have to do this for me…..
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Diets are never convenient. It seems like every attempt I make is plagued with a major catastrophe. This weekend was no different.
I lost a very close friend who’d been struggling with cancer. Feeling depressed, and empty I retracted my diet pledge for one more hit of comfort food. The moment the chocolate hit my lips I knew I had found a place to solace. Before I could stop myself I’d consumed a chocolate cake, and two large chocolate bars. It’s disgusting, I was so frustrated. Can I not chose a less destructive way to deal with emotion.
I’ve always had difficulty doing anything in moderation. The doctor explained to me that I’m a binge eater. The gorging incident is not an isolated one. For the past 5 or so years this has been a weekly or sometimes several times a week part of my life.
In some respects I’ve dealt with weight issues since my early teens. I lost about 50 lbs at age sixteen and was 230 pounds with a muscular build when I first went to college. My first couple years in school were not what most would call smooth. I got very angry with myself and with god, which really isn’t like me at all.I am an extremely extroverted person, but at the same time am not outward with my emotions. I keep my feelings to myself and hope no one asks. There are very few people I trust. Even my closest friends don’t know my heart. I hate feeling vulnerable and I don’t like wining, which is why I shy away from those conversations.
So that was the first weekend, of many to come, I hope to do better this week. I hope this blog gives me a place to vent so I don’t turn back to old habits for solace. If you or someone you know is dealing with a similar struggle please leave a comment. I’m happy to connect with others taking a journey to half.
Have a blessed week,
BG
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Nobody ever wants to be that guy. He’s the one you dread sitting next to on airplanes, or in class, or at games. The one you joke about from a distance, and the one who jokes about himself out of ignorance.
My world came crashing down 3 weeks ago when I saw a photograph of myself and was ashamed of who I saw. It’s time I introduce myself to the world; I’m that guy, the big guy, the person no one wants to be, it’s me. I don’t know who I am anymore, I don’t see the same person I used to see . I’m 23 years old, 6’2″ tall, and I’m ashamed to say I weight 380lbs.
I don’t want to live the illusion anymore, I need to embrace life, I’m better than this, I should know better.
Alas, the story begins here…..This is my journey to half. It’s my goal over the next 12 months to take a natural approach to weight-loss. I want to show the world it can be done without surgery or medicine. I will adopt a healthy lifestyle and vow to become a better person, or die trying. Anyone who’s struggling with a similar reality is more than welcome to join me. For others following my jourrney please feel free to offer encouragement as I’m sure I’ll need it.
–BG
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